Self-Plagiarism (gut help)

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I'm taking two courses that are extremely similar. I wrote an outstanding research paper, and it qualifies as both final topics.
I'm considering creating 2 extremely similar versions, and submitting each to my professors as my final research paper. This is against university rules, but the consequence would simply be - my paper gets rejected and I fail one of the classes (no expulsion or anything crazy).

One professor is young uses Turn It In, while the other is 60 and requires us to hand in a physical paper. I don't think the two professors will interact concerning my paper, so I severely doubt I'll get caught.
Should I submit the same paper for two different professors?
 
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Well if it's outstanding...

Prof 1 in the lunch room: "One of my students wrote an outstanding paper for their final"
Prof 2 by the coffee machine: "I've had a quite astonishing submission myself."

:thinking:
 

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No lunch room. I give myself a 50% of getting caught
Whatever it's too late, the papers are not identical, but 75% the same
 

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Darn you're one of those people
I had no time to write another good paper. I only need 2 classes to graduate, so if I fail one class I'd just need to take 3 next semester [not the end of the world]. Its cheap but I was semi-desparate
 

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I had no time to write another good paper. I only need 2 classes to graduate, so if I fail one class I'd just need to take 3 next semester [not the end of the world]. Its cheap but I was semi-desparate
It was actually a compliment.
 
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